pieces of me

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 17:03:06 GMT

okay, i think that this is going to be the last entry in my journal. it's just not fun anymore. i was doing so well and going on with my life without even thinking about tom or reading his journal, then a friend of mine finds it, reads it, and leaves a note, and tom traces the ip address and since he thinks i'm the only person who goes to mv, he blames me. now i've got people saying shit about me and how i'm a bitch and how i'm pathetic and i'm just so sick of this shit happening over and over again. i've come to realize that livejournals are stupid and they only cause problems. so i'm done with it, the only reason i ever started having one was because of tom and i think that getting rid of having one will finally get rid of any traces of that piece of shit. i'm just so sick of him ruining things when i'm finally happy. he's like a disease that there's no cure for. so this is the last time i'm writing in this. so long!

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 17:05:04 GMT

how is it that tom gets away with everything he does?? i do nothing yet get all the blame for it and have people tell me that i'm pathetic and he has no job, lives with his parents dropped out of school, is a junkie and everyone's like "oh cheer up tom" and shit like that!! and jackee was one of the people saying that!!! i am so done with her. she's the worst type of person to be friends with. one second she's saying that she misses me and wants to be my friend and then she goes and writes shit like that in people's journals. she pulled this shit with ashley too. i'm just having the worst day ever.

lost

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 14:05:30 GMT

lately i seem to just be in this world of self destruction. i skip classes, drink all the time, fight with people....it's like i've fallen into a big hole that i can't get out of. since i found out about matt, i've been so depressed and scared. and what scares me even more is that he hasn't been online at all lately. i know he's going to die soon, and it breaks my heart. if any of you knew him you would know what a wonderful person he is and how much of a huge loss this is to the world. and the thing i hate the most is that there is nothing i can do about it. no matter what i do, he'll still be dying. and now all of this stuff from my past that i have tried so hard to forget is coming back. i just want to go away. i want to just take kerry and go somewhere where we don't have to worry about anything. but i know that there is no place like that. *sigh* i just don't know what to do anymore, i want to get out of this hole and be back to my normal life. but it's like there's no way out of it. i'm going to go back to bed now and watch some tv and hope that when kerry finds out that i missed class (which honestly was an accident because i forgot to set my alarm last night cause i was so pissed about tom) he won't break up with me or hate me forever.

Wed, 23 Feb 2005 05:39:59 GMT

FUCK YOU TOM! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!! i gave up on caring about you a long time ago! i never loved you, remember that. i thought i did, but i didn't. i NEVER loved you. so why would i start caring now, huh? you son of a bitch!!! go fuck yourself!

to my ashley mcasherson

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 16:58:30 GMT

i love you ash!!! i was just really grumpy yesterday. i was really hungover and very grouchy. i totally understand whyyou can't come up. i was talking to erik and asking about this weekend and he said i really need to learn how to finalize plans, which is what i was doing and for some reason it just set me off into angry mode. but i don't hate you i promise!! i'm not even mad at you. i was just grouchy cause my head was pounding and i didn't feel good. i super love you!! and i'll be home too so maybe we can see each other one day while we're home! okay babe, ttyl. byeee!!

so f-ing mad

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 20:55:57 GMT

i'm so sick of making plans with people when they just change their minds without telling me!! and then they act like it's not a big deal and they get mad at me and say i need to work on finalizing plans!!!! that's what i was doing!!! do you have any idea how many people just randomly changed their minds about the party yesterday???? and now after all of the plans i have been making for them to come out here for the weekend.....AHHHHH!! i'm going back to bed, i am majorly hungover from last night and feeling like shit.

sick and sad

Tue, 08 Feb 2005 23:11:48 GMT

i've been super sick since yesterday and it's sucky. but what's even worse is that i haven't seen or talked to kerry since sunday. i really really miss him and want to see him. i called antoine's phone a million times and there was no answer any time i've called. he goes to school here so why wouldn't he come see me and tell me if something was wrong with antoine's phone or something like that? i'm worried that i did something to make him upset with me and that he's ignoring me. we were fine on sunday. i'm just really confused and upset. i hope that i didn't do anything to make him mad at me. i'm not even mad that he hasn't called or anything, i just really really want to see him.

fun times

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 07:12:12 GMT

okay, so kerry came over last night and i couldn't do it. i looked at him and thought "how can i not want to be with him? he's so adorable and sweet and amazing!" we are really trying now to work through our problems.

so tonight, i FINALLY got out of my room and went over to penfield and was there for almost 2 hours. i was being really shy, but everyone was so funny. i got so embarassed when they realized i have a flutter laugh and liz and her friend chris started tickling me. i love drunk people, they're so funny. i almost got written up because it was so loud....i felt like a rebel....sad, i know. but i'm finally making my way out of the room. and i actually felt accepted. i think as i go over more i'll feel more comftorable. liz is so great, i almost left and she told me she really wanted me to stay. i was so happy when she said that. i started to get to the point where i felt like my old friends didn't really care about me anymore...and to hear her say that....made me so happy.

yu, my new roommate, really likes jordan. i felt so bad though because he told her that he liked her and then he was acting like he didn't like her. i got really mad at him when she told me that, cause she was so upset and she was crying and it just kills me to see her hurting cause she's the sweetest person in the world.

when we started walking over to penfield tonight i was so nervous. i was so afraid that they would all hate me and i was just so scared. but once i got there everyone was really cool. they are soooo funny. erin is so pretty and she has the funniest laugh, funnier than mine! her boyfriend jason is really funny. mike and chris are really funny too. i am so good with names, i don't think anyone else would remember their names as quickly as i did. i want to try to go over there a lot more.

i know this sounds crazy, but i think the reason i get so scared to go over there is because of steve. i always feel like i have to impress him or he'll stop wanting to hang out with me. but you know what? i can't live my life around what steve thinks of me. and i can't just change how i am to make someone like me. if he won't like me for who i am, then he's not my friend. hopefully i will finally break out of this shell that i've been in and finally be able to be myself.

well, it's 2:12 in the am and i need some sleep cause i'm going to brunch with liz tomorrow at 12 and i'm going to kerry's sister's cheerleading competition. so goodnight everyone!

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 22:34:15 GMT

why? why do i feel the need to impress everyone? why can't i just be myself? i mean, how come i was so comeftorable here before? now i can't leave my room. it's like a sanctuary or something. i feel so safe within these walls that it's so hard for me to go somewhere else. i'm missing out on so much and it kills me. but suddenly i'm so self concious around steve and liz. i don't know why but i am. i just want to be liked. suddenly everything is starting to go wrong. i think mine and kerry's relationship is in trouble, i never see my friends anymore. i just, i don't know. i love kerry so much, but suddenly we're so different and the time we spend together is usually spent fighting. i had a relationship like that before and i hated it. we've tried so hard and so many times to make this work, but i don't think it will happen. it hurts so bad, but he deserves to be happy, and i think that if we stay together, it won't happen. he's coming over in 1/2 an hour, so i should probably go and think about what to say to him.

take my quiz!!

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 23:37:39 GMT

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 17:20:11 GMT

my last week of being home is here. it's almost time to go back to school. on one hand, i'm very excited. i'll be a lot closer to my fiancee again, i'll get to see steve and liz and hopefully repair our friendship, and i'll have another chance to kick ass in my classes and get good grades. on the other hand, i'm not so excited. becky isn't coming back, matt is dying and if i take the job being a doorsitter again it'll kill me because he used to always come and sit with me so i wouldn't be bored, toni isn't coming bakc, and what if steve and liz have had enough of me and don't want to repair our friendship? mine and john's friendship went caput right after vacation started when he got mad at me for NO REASON AT ALL. i'm going to have no one. i'm really going to try to get along with my new roommate and to go see liz a lot and make her feel loved. i miss her so much. she's one of my best friends at school. but i didn't treat her like that last semester and i feel so awful for that. i just love her to death. and no wonder they didn't want to hang out with me! all i did was sit on my ass in my room and watch vh-1. but i'll have marc and since java is coming back and rooming with heidi (i know, sign of the apocolipse) he'll be in my room so he isn't there when brian and java have sex all day. and hopefully i can get katie to come visit me! well, that's enough for this entry....ta ta for now!

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 17:01:34 GMT

Your Boobies' Names Are: The Blind Melons

Get your own Boobie Names

happy birthday!

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 21:11:26 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZ!!! well....belated birthday. i miss you and i can't wait to see you when we go back to school. i love ya babe

there are no words

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 19:17:51 GMT

kerry finally asked me to marry him, it was christmas eve and it was perfect. i'm really happy.

but something so horrible and awful happened today. my good friend matt from school imed me and told me he's dying. he has cancer. he's beat it twice before but the doctor's said there's nothing they can do for him this time.

he's not coming back to school, he said he doesn't have much time left.

i don't know what to say or what to do. i keep crying.

he was one of my best friends at school. and now he's dying. i'm never going to see him again.

my heart is just broken. and i don't even have kerry here to hold me and make the pain go away.

i have to work at 4 but i really really don't want to go.

i just don't know what to do anymore

Mon, 06 Dec 2004 19:46:14 GMT

kerry and i broke up. we got in a fight and i told him that i was done. i wish i could take it back. i love him more than anything in the whole world. i just...i don't know what to do. i don't think he'll even talk to me. i lost the best thing i ever had.

yay december!

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 18:19:44 GMT

IT'S DECEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!! which means that a certain mister kerry michael will be asking me to marry him soon!!!!!!!!! oh how exciting!! the only thing that makes me mad though is how lindsay is mean to me about it. she's just jealous because chris asked her to marry him and then said he didn't want to. I hate when people have to be assholes to other people just because they're jealous of other people's happiness. well, i have class at 2 and then i am done for the day!! ooh yesterday i was really sad at dinner cuz cody yelled at me and made me cry and steve and liz came to dinner and after they sat down steve came over and asked me to sit with them! i was hesitant at first, but then i thought, "why sit here all alon and be sad when i can go sit with my friends?" so i went and sat with them and i had fun. jen seems really nice and she's really funny. i'm glad i went to sit with them. it really cheered me up. of course math sucked ass, but that's what math is supposed to do. and becky brought me chex mix which always makes one feel better. alrighty, i'm off to see the evil demon named christy....bye!

angry letter

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 22:49:16 GMT

i would just like to let those of you who treat me like shit know that i am done with you making me feel like shit. i'm sick of you only wanting to be around me when no one else is around. i'm tired of doing so much for people out of the goodness of my fucking heart and getting zilch for it. i don't want to be your friend anymore. i don't. find someone else to hurt and make feel like they're nothing. and then go make new friends and act like they don't exsit. i'm tired of taking up that position so i'm offering it up to anyone who wants it. i try to hang out with you but you were always so miserable and made me feel bad because i have a boyfriend and i'm happy. i'm sick of hearing that you don't have one and that you need one and that it's the only thing you want in life. i'm so sick and tired of it. i'm sick of being here and i'm sick of people treating me this way. i really wish you were here ash. i could use some girl time. you're one of the few people that really care about me and actually act like my friend. thank you for that. i'm going to go now. kerry's going to be calling me soon.

so in love

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 05:16:42 GMT

i love him so much, i love kerry michael shanahan with more than i have ever loved anyone ever. when he holds me tightly in his arms i know that that's where i'm meant to be...it's so safe and warm. he is my one true love and my soul mate, and i don't know what i would do if he wasn't in my life. i look back and i think about the most horrible 3 years of my life and i wonder how i even made it through that. kerry is my life and my driving force. i know he will never give up on me, or make me feel bad about myself. he's the only person who could ever make me feel beautiful. i know he loves me. and i know i love him. in all honesty, i really think that i used tom because i knew that he would be there for me to fall back on. i never loved him, i just wanted a safety net. but with kerry...it's pure, unadulterated love. i miss him right after he leaves...like it breaks my heart whenever he leaves or when we hang up. i heard the song only one from yellowcard the other day and it totally made me think of him. and today is our 6 month anniversary...well, yesterday. but we can't celebrate til saturday...i'm so excited cuz we're going on a date and he said he got me something really nice. i'm secretly hoping that he's going to propose to me early cuz that would be SOOOOO awesome :) well....time for me to stop gushing about the most incredible man in the whole world and get my ass to bed. goodnight everyone.

tra la la

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 20:14:37 GMT

i'm watching boy meets world....man i wish it was still on instead of reruns...anyways...i was reading melanies journal and for some reason i got really upset...i understood what she meant when she said she won't get drunk with drunk ken again..that boy is definitely one of a kind, but she called jeremy a freak!! i love jeremy!! he's such a sweetheart. him and duncan are so funny. i'm really in need of a prayer right now...i can't say why, but if someone could send a prayer my way that would be awesome. now full house is on...yeah john stamos...ooh it's a christmas episode!! i love christmas...i can't wait for christmas cuz it's my favorite holiday, and...IT'S WHEN KERRY'S GOING TO PROPOSE!!!! :) :) :) :) :) he told me last night that he picked out a ring for me already and it's on layaway at littmanns. i am SO excited. i can't wait for him to propose cuz he's so romantic and i know it is going to be the most romantic thing ever. alrighty, back to lying down and waiting to go to dinner with becky

P.S. I GET TO SEE ASHLEY TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!

yay it's working again!

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 18:02:36 GMT

yay for my journal working again!!! it wasn't this morning and i was pissed. but it's working now!! yay!! well, i'm skipping class and am going to go take a nap now and curl up in my covers cuz i'm cold...bye!

hehe

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 22:18:54 GMT

I scored a 81% on the "How Chittenango Are You?" Quizie! What about you?</b>

grr

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 22:12:49 GMT

okay, i was at dinner tonight with becky and we noticed that steve and liz were like right behind us in line. so we got our food and found a table, figuring they would sit with us. then they came by and some other people were with them and we asked them if they wanted to sit with us. and they were thinking about it and then said they were gonna sit with the other people. the fact that they didn't even ask if we wanted to sit with them really hurt our feelings. we felt so shafted. then kerry came in which made me wicked happy but then i kept looking over at them and got sad again. after he left they were talking to me and knew i was sad and were trying to make me feel better but i was too upset to really say much back. i didn't want to talk to them about it cuz then they would be all mad at me and becky for getting upset about it and stuff. but it just really hurt, like it felt like they were ashamed of us or something cuz they didn't even ask if we wanted to go sit with them. i don't know, i'm still really upset and hurt about it. i don't feel like going to math. i thinki'm gonna stay here for a while and talk to ash and watch some tv.

survey time

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 23:46:37 GMT

things that are true are marked like this ****

01. Gotten Drunk in a club and been asked to leave by the establishment
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Porsche for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it but not in a romantic way****
09. Hugged a tree****
10. Done a striptease****
11. Been to a Gay Club
12. Been to A Pride Parade
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise****
15. A member of a Human Rights Organization
16. Gone to a huge sports game****
17. Walked in the rain because you wanted to****
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables****
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Loved someone that loved you but not the way you wanted****
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne****
25. Given to a street beggar
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment****
28. Had a food fight****
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill****
31. Asked out a stranger****
32. Had a snowball fight****
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can****
35. Held a snake
36. Enacted a sex fantasy****
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip****
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster****
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days****
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking****
45. Adopting an accent for an entire day****
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment****
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced****
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied****
53. Had amazing friends****
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign****
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow****
69. Alphabetized your CD's & DVD's
70. Pretended to be a superhero**** (with steve!!)
71. Sung karaoke****
72. Lounged around in bed all day****
73. Walked in on a friends having sex
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye****
76. Kissed in the rain (i wish, that has to be the most romantic thing ever)
77. Played in the mud****
78. Played in the rain****
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, with someone you shouldn't have done it with, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Taken Yoga Classes
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken****
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Had your friend's back and got into a fight
89. Played truth or dare with friends and revealed a secret you would have preferred to keep to yourself
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have****
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy****
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch****
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden on a jet ski****
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on****
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason****
106. Masturbated in a public place**** (it was a movie theater and no one was in there and my ex and i were fooling around)
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been so drunk you wished you didn't remember anything
109. Performed on stage****
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music but not in a studio, just on a tape recorder
112. Eaten shark****
113. Had a one-night stand****
114. Gone to Brazil
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone but not a physical fight****
123. Maxed out a credit card
124. Performed in a High School, College or Community theatre play****
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did (Great Grandfather, the Gangbuster...)
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. Had to move back in with parents or relatives
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking****
137. Had an abortion or know someone who did
138. Had plastic surgery or helped out when a friend/relative had a cosmetic procedure
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a high school, college or large publication
141. Lost over 50 pounds
142. Held someone while they cried over a broken relationship****
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart****
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off or quit a job without notice****
148. Won money/prize for a local radio program
149. Broken a bone
150. Lost friends or family members to an act of violence
151. Been Maid of Honor in a Wedding
152. Ridden a motorcycle****
153. Driven any land vehicle over 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol****
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse****
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten deer meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Agreed to have someone's child
170. Eaten sushi****
171. Had your picture in the newspaper****
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about****
174. Told someone off at work****
175. Gone back to school****
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them 183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch****
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt****
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language****
189. Stayed up all night talking to friends via IM****
190. Met friends on the net that you consider your friends****
191. Walked for AIDS, Breast Cancer, or another charitable cause****
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Had to get up in the middle of the night to go and get a friend that was so wasted he couldn't remeber where he put his keys****
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair****
197. Been a DJ
198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199. Had to go bail a friend out of jail
200. Been arrested

yay surveys are fun!

update

Sun, 10 Oct 2004 22:53:46 GMT

hey all, sorry it's been awhile. well kerry and i temporarily broke up on thursday...but got back together like 9 hours later. and he took me on a date yesterday which we so desperately needed. it was wonderful. i love him so much. he took me to olive garden for lunch and i payed for the movies and he bought me a stuffed giraffe which is my favorite animal. :) we also got this orgasmic chocolate from gertrude hawk..mmmm oh oh oh YES YES!!! hehe just kidding...it's pumkin pie smidgens and they are so freaking yummy. i'm finally starting to get over how much of an idiot tom was to me, it's not like i still have feeling for him, god no, but i could just never get over what he put me through and how he treated me and made me feel like he owned me. i am so thankful that god put kerry in my life. i thank him for it every night. well, i have to go eat. bye!

yay!

Fri, 01 Oct 2004 15:06:58 GMT

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!! hehehehehhehehe he hasn't officially asked me yet, he's going to for christmas and i am so wicked excited. i most certainly can not wait because he is my soul mate and i love him more than anything in this world. i really love him though, like, in ways i can't describe. he just takes my breath away. and everythigng is fine with me and my sister in case anyone was wondering what that last entry was about. but everything is fine with everyone. so, i have to go eat some lunch now cuz i'm star to the ving hehe...i love ash!!!