| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2005|11:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | duncan sheik, home | ] |
okay, i think that this is going to be the last entry in my journal. it's just not fun anymore. i was doing so well and going on with my life without even thinking about tom or reading his journal, then a friend of mine finds it, reads it, and leaves a note, and tom traces the ip address and since he thinks i'm the only person who goes to mv, he blames me. now i've got people saying shit about me and how i'm a bitch and how i'm pathetic and i'm just so sick of this shit happening over and over again. i've come to realize that livejournals are stupid and they only cause problems. so i'm done with it, the only reason i ever started having one was because of tom and i think that getting rid of having one will finally get rid of any traces of that piece of shit. i'm just so sick of him ruining things when i'm finally happy. he's like a disease that there's no cure for. so this is the last time i'm writing in this. so long! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2005|11:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cyndi lauper, time after time | ] |
how is it that tom gets away with everything he does?? i do nothing yet get all the blame for it and have people tell me that i'm pathetic and he has no job, lives with his parents dropped out of school, is a junkie and everyone's like "oh cheer up tom" and shit like that!! and jackee was one of the people saying that!!! i am so done with her. she's the worst type of person to be friends with. one second she's saying that she misses me and wants to be my friend and then she goes and writes shit like that in people's journals. she pulled this shit with ashley too. i'm just having the worst day ever. |
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| lost |
[Feb. 23rd, 2005|08:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | something corporate, constantine | ] |
lately i seem to just be in this world of self destruction. i skip classes, drink all the time, fight with people....it's like i've fallen into a big hole that i can't get out of. since i found out about matt, i've been so depressed and scared. and what scares me even more is that he hasn't been online at all lately. i know he's going to die soon, and it breaks my heart. if any of you knew him you would know what a wonderful person he is and how much of a huge loss this is to the world. and the thing i hate the most is that there is nothing i can do about it. no matter what i do, he'll still be dying. and now all of this stuff from my past that i have tried so hard to forget is coming back. i just want to go away. i want to just take kerry and go somewhere where we don't have to worry about anything. but i know that there is no place like that. *sigh* i just don't know what to do anymore, i want to get out of this hole and be back to my normal life. but it's like there's no way out of it. i'm going to go back to bed now and watch some tv and hope that when kerry finds out that i missed class (which honestly was an accident because i forgot to set my alarm last night cause i was so pissed about tom) he won't break up with me or hate me forever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2005|12:40 am] |
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FUCK YOU TOM! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!! i gave up on caring about you a long time ago! i never loved you, remember that. i thought i did, but i didn't. i NEVER loved you. so why would i start caring now, huh? you son of a bitch!!! go fuck yourself! |
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| to my ashley mcasherson |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|11:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | something corporate, i woke up in a car | ] |
i love you ash!!! i was just really grumpy yesterday. i was really hungover and very grouchy. i totally understand whyyou can't come up. i was talking to erik and asking about this weekend and he said i really need to learn how to finalize plans, which is what i was doing and for some reason it just set me off into angry mode. but i don't hate you i promise!! i'm not even mad at you. i was just grouchy cause my head was pounding and i didn't feel good. i super love you!! and i'll be home too so maybe we can see each other one day while we're home! okay babe, ttyl. byeee!! |
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| so f-ing mad |
[Feb. 20th, 2005|03:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tv | ] |
i'm so sick of making plans with people when they just change their minds without telling me!! and then they act like it's not a big deal and they get mad at me and say i need to work on finalizing plans!!!! that's what i was doing!!! do you have any idea how many people just randomly changed their minds about the party yesterday???? and now after all of the plans i have been making for them to come out here for the weekend.....AHHHHH!! i'm going back to bed, i am majorly hungover from last night and feeling like shit. |
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| sick and sad |
[Feb. 8th, 2005|06:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | tv | ] |
i've been super sick since yesterday and it's sucky. but what's even worse is that i haven't seen or talked to kerry since sunday. i really really miss him and want to see him. i called antoine's phone a million times and there was no answer any time i've called. he goes to school here so why wouldn't he come see me and tell me if something was wrong with antoine's phone or something like that? i'm worried that i did something to make him upset with me and that he's ignoring me. we were fine on sunday. i'm just really confused and upset. i hope that i didn't do anything to make him mad at me. i'm not even mad that he hasn't called or anything, i just really really want to see him. |
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| fun times |
[Feb. 5th, 2005|01:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dashboard confessional - vindicated | ] |
okay, so kerry came over last night and i couldn't do it. i looked at him and thought "how can i not want to be with him? he's so adorable and sweet and amazing!" we are really trying now to work through our problems.
so tonight, i FINALLY got out of my room and went over to penfield and was there for almost 2 hours. i was being really shy, but everyone was so funny. i got so embarassed when they realized i have a flutter laugh and liz and her friend chris started tickling me. i love drunk people, they're so funny. i almost got written up because it was so loud....i felt like a rebel....sad, i know. but i'm finally making my way out of the room. and i actually felt accepted. i think as i go over more i'll feel more comftorable. liz is so great, i almost left and she told me she really wanted me to stay. i was so happy when she said that. i started to get to the point where i felt like my old friends didn't really care about me anymore...and to hear her say that....made me so happy.
yu, my new roommate, really likes jordan. i felt so bad though because he told her that he liked her and then he was acting like he didn't like her. i got really mad at him when she told me that, cause she was so upset and she was crying and it just kills me to see her hurting cause she's the sweetest person in the world.
when we started walking over to penfield tonight i was so nervous. i was so afraid that they would all hate me and i was just so scared. but once i got there everyone was really cool. they are soooo funny. erin is so pretty and she has the funniest laugh, funnier than mine! her boyfriend jason is really funny. mike and chris are really funny too. i am so good with names, i don't think anyone else would remember their names as quickly as i did. i want to try to go over there a lot more.
i know this sounds crazy, but i think the reason i get so scared to go over there is because of steve. i always feel like i have to impress him or he'll stop wanting to hang out with me. but you know what? i can't live my life around what steve thinks of me. and i can't just change how i am to make someone like me. if he won't like me for who i am, then he's not my friend. hopefully i will finally break out of this shell that i've been in and finally be able to be myself.
well, it's 2:12 in the am and i need some sleep cause i'm going to brunch with liz tomorrow at 12 and i'm going to kerry's sister's cheerleading competition. so goodnight everyone! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 3rd, 2005|02:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | gilmore girls | ] |
why? why do i feel the need to impress everyone? why can't i just be myself? i mean, how come i was so comeftorable here before? now i can't leave my room. it's like a sanctuary or something. i feel so safe within these walls that it's so hard for me to go somewhere else. i'm missing out on so much and it kills me. but suddenly i'm so self concious around steve and liz. i don't know why but i am. i just want to be liked. suddenly everything is starting to go wrong. i think mine and kerry's relationship is in trouble, i never see my friends anymore. i just, i don't know. i love kerry so much, but suddenly we're so different and the time we spend together is usually spent fighting. i had a relationship like that before and i hated it. we've tried so hard and so many times to make this work, but i don't think it will happen. it hurts so bad, but he deserves to be happy, and i think that if we stay together, it won't happen. he's coming over in 1/2 an hour, so i should probably go and think about what to say to him. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 18th, 2005|12:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  dorky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ray allaire - a song for my daughter | ] |
my last week of being home is here. it's almost time to go back to school. on one hand, i'm very excited. i'll be a lot closer to my fiancee again, i'll get to see steve and liz and hopefully repair our friendship, and i'll have another chance to kick ass in my classes and get good grades. on the other hand, i'm not so excited. becky isn't coming back, matt is dying and if i take the job being a doorsitter again it'll kill me because he used to always come and sit with me so i wouldn't be bored, toni isn't coming bakc, and what if steve and liz have had enough of me and don't want to repair our friendship? mine and john's friendship went caput right after vacation started when he got mad at me for NO REASON AT ALL. i'm going to have no one. i'm really going to try to get along with my new roommate and to go see liz a lot and make her feel loved. i miss her so much. she's one of my best friends at school. but i didn't treat her like that last semester and i feel so awful for that. i just love her to death. and no wonder they didn't want to hang out with me! all i did was sit on my ass in my room and watch vh-1. but i'll have marc and since java is coming back and rooming with heidi (i know, sign of the apocolipse) he'll be in my room so he isn't there when brian and java have sex all day. and hopefully i can get katie to come visit me! well, that's enough for this entry....ta ta for now! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 18th, 2005|12:04 pm] |
Your Boobies' Names Are: The Blind Melons
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| happy birthday! |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|04:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | kelly osbourne/ozzy osbourne, changes | ] |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZ!!! well....belated birthday. i miss you and i can't wait to see you when we go back to school. i love ya babe |
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| there are no words |
[Dec. 28th, 2004|02:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | shania twain, it only hurts when i breathe | ] |
kerry finally asked me to marry him, it was christmas eve and it was perfect. i'm really happy.
but something so horrible and awful happened today. my good friend matt from school imed me and told me he's dying. he has cancer. he's beat it twice before but the doctor's said there's nothing they can do for him this time.
he's not coming back to school, he said he doesn't have much time left.
i don't know what to say or what to do. i keep crying.
he was one of my best friends at school. and now he's dying. i'm never going to see him again.
my heart is just broken. and i don't even have kerry here to hold me and make the pain go away.
i have to work at 4 but i really really don't want to go.
i just don't know what to do anymore |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 6th, 2004|02:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | switchfoot, always something | ] |
kerry and i broke up. we got in a fight and i told him that i was done. i wish i could take it back. i love him more than anything in the whole world. i just...i don't know what to do. i don't think he'll even talk to me. i lost the best thing i ever had. |
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| yay december! |
[Dec. 2nd, 2004|01:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rascal flatts, i'm moving on | ] |
IT'S DECEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!! which means that a certain mister kerry michael will be asking me to marry him soon!!!!!!!!! oh how exciting!! the only thing that makes me mad though is how lindsay is mean to me about it. she's just jealous because chris asked her to marry him and then said he didn't want to. I hate when people have to be assholes to other people just because they're jealous of other people's happiness. well, i have class at 2 and then i am done for the day!! ooh yesterday i was really sad at dinner cuz cody yelled at me and made me cry and steve and liz came to dinner and after they sat down steve came over and asked me to sit with them! i was hesitant at first, but then i thought, "why sit here all alon and be sad when i can go sit with my friends?" so i went and sat with them and i had fun. jen seems really nice and she's really funny. i'm glad i went to sit with them. it really cheered me up. of course math sucked ass, but that's what math is supposed to do. and becky brought me chex mix which always makes one feel better. alrighty, i'm off to see the evil demon named christy....bye! |
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| angry letter |
[Nov. 21st, 2004|05:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | enraged | ] |
| [ | music |
| | simple plan, welcome to my life | ] |
i would just like to let those of you who treat me like shit know that i am done with you making me feel like shit. i'm sick of you only wanting to be around me when no one else is around. i'm tired of doing so much for people out of the goodness of my fucking heart and getting zilch for it. i don't want to be your friend anymore. i don't. find someone else to hurt and make feel like they're nothing. and then go make new friends and act like they don't exsit. i'm tired of taking up that position so i'm offering it up to anyone who wants it. i try to hang out with you but you were always so miserable and made me feel bad because i have a boyfriend and i'm happy. i'm sick of hearing that you don't have one and that you need one and that it's the only thing you want in life. i'm so sick and tired of it. i'm sick of being here and i'm sick of people treating me this way. i really wish you were here ash. i could use some girl time. you're one of the few people that really care about me and actually act like my friend. thank you for that. i'm going to go now. kerry's going to be calling me soon. |
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| so in love |
[Nov. 5th, 2004|12:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | yellowcard, only one | ] |
i love him so much, i love kerry michael shanahan with more than i have ever loved anyone ever. when he holds me tightly in his arms i know that that's where i'm meant to be...it's so safe and warm. he is my one true love and my soul mate, and i don't know what i would do if he wasn't in my life. i look back and i think about the most horrible 3 years of my life and i wonder how i even made it through that. kerry is my life and my driving force. i know he will never give up on me, or make me feel bad about myself. he's the only person who could ever make me feel beautiful. i know he loves me. and i know i love him. in all honesty, i really think that i used tom because i knew that he would be there for me to fall back on. i never loved him, i just wanted a safety net. but with kerry...it's pure, unadulterated love. i miss him right after he leaves...like it breaks my heart whenever he leaves or when we hang up. i heard the song only one from yellowcard the other day and it totally made me think of him. and today is our 6 month anniversary...well, yesterday. but we can't celebrate til saturday...i'm so excited cuz we're going on a date and he said he got me something really nice. i'm secretly hoping that he's going to propose to me early cuz that would be SOOOOO awesome :) well....time for me to stop gushing about the most incredible man in the whole world and get my ass to bed. goodnight everyone. |
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| tra la la |
[Oct. 28th, 2004|03:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | full house | ] |
i'm watching boy meets world....man i wish it was still on instead of reruns...anyways...i was reading melanies journal and for some reason i got really upset...i understood what she meant when she said she won't get drunk with drunk ken again..that boy is definitely one of a kind, but she called jeremy a freak!! i love jeremy!! he's such a sweetheart. him and duncan are so funny. i'm really in need of a prayer right now...i can't say why, but if someone could send a prayer my way that would be awesome. now full house is on...yeah john stamos...ooh it's a christmas episode!! i love christmas...i can't wait for christmas cuz it's my favorite holiday, and...IT'S WHEN KERRY'S GOING TO PROPOSE!!!! :) :) :) :) :) he told me last night that he picked out a ring for me already and it's on layaway at littmanns. i am SO excited. i can't wait for him to propose cuz he's so romantic and i know it is going to be the most romantic thing ever. alrighty, back to lying down and waiting to go to dinner with becky
P.S. I GET TO SEE ASHLEY TOMORROW!!!!!!!!! |
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| yay it's working again! |
[Oct. 25th, 2004|01:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | nelly/tim mcgraw, over and over | ] |
yay for my journal working again!!! it wasn't this morning and i was pissed. but it's working now!! yay!! well, i'm skipping class and am going to go take a nap now and curl up in my covers cuz i'm cold...bye! |
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